inner thoughts

serendipity.

& Saturday, April 26, 2008

perplexed

all of a sudden, i feel

wanted and un-wanted
treasured and taken for granted
someone out there is unhappy with me
that i'll never be good enough

sigh. i need an ego boost.

anw i'm covered in bruises from the weekend job. its easy but i am just clumsy, hitting my legs against the simulator platforms and scratching my arms from adjusting the pedals.

and i get the feeling that someone is ashamed of being associated with me taking on this weekend job. just a gut feeling, but not unfounded i am quite sure. dunno why, but whatever.

posted by vera ;
at 10:54 PM

0comments.

& Monday, April 21, 2008

the pain of archi school

just a week ago, i was suffering. delirious from lack of sleep. not walking straight. no appetite. frowning all the time. stuck to the damn chair desperately trying to complete my stuff for the submission. hand getting stiffer by the minute, on the verge of cramping. and having cried out of frustration a couple of times through the week.

i really felt like quitting and just end it at year 4. afterall, i could. i just had to walk into the department office, file for graduation, and walk away.

i was angry that i had to suffer. why do some people have it so easy? why is it that they can come up with A grade designs in a blink of an eye. how come so many people can finish the project a week before submission. why can't i. am i that lousy? night after night i find work being backlogged, feeling feverish because i fear that i can't submit on time. aren't those emotions that a primary 1 kid feels because he is scared of punishment? i even had to call Michael and hyperventilate.

i felt like a fucking loser.

and during submissions i felt that my efforts were not enough. my panels were not outstanding. you wouldn't look twice at mine when you look at Joseph's studio's work. they went through Transformer studio. their works were high tech suspended beings that looked like something out of a sci-fi movie. and my project?

TKS said he had 'nothing to say about it'.

i felt abit sick in the stomach when i heard that. sure it could be that it was good enough to pass. he did say 'i can imagine this is quite a nice space' and 'i kind of like this idea'. but he also said it's a 'normal' project. but my project failed to engage conversation, and i feel most sad about that.

my works have been deteriorating. in year one i was ok. a B student. in year 2 and half of year 3 i was doing well, getting As. i even managed to make it into the Dean's list once. from the RIBA semester onwards everything came crashing down.

can i blame it on the uni and the tutors? i don't think so. afterall design is part peer learning and discovery yes? but in the depths of my heart i wish my tutors were more inspiring. and i do have alot of grievances to air. but one of the greatest one is that the department has NEVER once granted me my first choice for the ballots. for any ballots. what the fucking hell are the ballots for then? can't they take a look at the bloody system of balloting they have? why do some people get their first choice all the time and me, never. i can even get my choices in reverse, good job.

this semester was particularly bad. after interim she was not around for 2 whole weeks. and when she came back i talked to her about my project 6 days before submission and guess what she said.

'oh i think u all might have been a little lost when i was not around, but i believe you all had good direction.'

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

trying to save her own ass.

please forgive my rantings. i have been badly traumatised recently.

oh yes, back to the submissions.

and there i was looking around, feeling sad that my project was not up to scratch. i didn't even have time to finish my model and had to bring it home to work on it another day. anyway the people i hate most are those who give off a certain aura but i will not elaborate too much. but you know when they look at your project and think they are better. i'm very good at sensing how people feel, i just hardly show it or act on it. so fuck you.

to those who tried so hard but didn't show on the panels, you know how best you tried, and that is good enough.

some people think the tutors are stupid and try to cover up the inadequacies of the project by superficial methods. the tutors are tutors for a reason and they can see through things instantly.

oh by the way i am not saying i am not guilty of the above. i do try to cover up, but my covering up skills are not good so i rather not try too hard.

if it's good it's good. if it's shit, it's shit.

i honestly think some students have a design template. i am so wow-ed by their projects. but after a few semesters they look strangely familiar. still they are brilliant in a way.

anw for the cover up masters, it's good to see that the crit panels see through the mask. at least justice is done.

one more thing. the administrative department is the pits. no wonder people steal their stuff. mr W is the most irritating guy i've seen in a long time.

after all i've said, i still believe in myself. i'm a prideful person, yes i am. i will never let others get me down. i know my strengths and limitations. there's still a long way to go, and i have enough confidence to say that my ability in the field of architecture is not going to be part of who i truly am. the best architects are hardly the best people to hang around with anyway.

posted by vera ;
at 1:10 AM

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